My word of advice: Don’t create email accounts and then forget about them for years. As it turns out, I did exactly that.

Although I didn’t expect any actual activity (read: non-spam e-mails) in this account, it turns out that the powers and randomness of the internet proved otherwise. By reading through my emails for the past few years in this long-forgotten account, you would think I’m a master of many identities, balancing myself as a poker addict, an avid church goer, professional photographer, world traveler, among other personas, each with its own unique name, such as Paul, Peter, Patti and Patricia.

Let’s begin looking through the e-mail excerpts, shall we?

Trustees,

This year we have three nominations for Citizen of the Year. Other potential nominees from the last meeting were dropped due to lack of profile information. The nominees are:

[list of names redacted]

Please make your selection and return your vote via reply e-mail.

Wow, I get to choose a citizen of the year? I nominate myself!

Happy halloween, patti! Hope you’re having fun….    ken

Oh trust me, I am.

Welcome paul saulnier to the Smugglers’ Wireless Internet Network!

The account you just registered for was issued the following username and password.
Username:  [redacted]
Password:   [redacted]

I will use this smuggle iBeer on my iPhone across the border.

Hi Patricia,

It was great seeing you at the [location redacted] Bridal Show yesterday! [names redacted], and I really enjoyed chatting with you about your upcoming wedding at [redacted] Hotel. [other details about some photo product]

Warmly,

[some photo company]

I really enjoyed chatting with you as well… wait, Bridal Show? What?!

Dear Paul,

This e-mail confirms that a Security Code has been issued for your account at Poker Heaven (PIN: [redacted]) and sent by regular mail to the postal address you registered when you opened your account.

Good thing they sent this via regular mail. I wouldn’t want to be holding some poker addict back from his fix.

Friends:

Just as a matter of courtesy, I wanted to let everyone know that I have resigned from the [redacted] Committee.  This was a very difficult and disappointing decision for me, and I certainly did not make it lightly.  While I deeply regret that I will not be able to fulfill my obligation to [location redacted]’s residents and employees, I do take some comfort in knowing that our town is amply blessed with very intelligent, talented and community-minded individuals, any one of whom would be able to quickly and seamlessly fill the vacant position.

Let’s hope the best qualified person wasn’t the one who was supposed to receive my copy of the e-mail.

Finance Committee:

I have attached a preliminary 2010 budget which I will hand out to Session this evening.

Disturbing. The budget for a church was actually attached to this e-mail (well, actually the next one right after since the sender forgot to attach it the first time, oops!). This church had a yearly income of $488k, and expenses of $582k, leading to a whopping $101k deficit. Out of this, $5k is being spent on Telephones & Internet. It must be on gold plated phones because they certainly aren’t talking much to each other.

I thought you might like to see pictures from last night.

[name redacted]

These pictures of a business meeting weren’t nearly as scandalous as you’re hoping. Get your mind out of the gutter!

Peter,

Please add our newest Trustee, [redacted], to the roster for distribution at the Jan 4 meeting.

[contact details redacted].

As well, you can delete [names redacted] – I have official resignations from each.

Thank you,

[redacted]

Please remove me from the roster. I don’t care.

Hi [someone else] and Peter,
I was just wondering if you received my note regarding the wall in the basement closet. We were wondering if it was going to be repaired before school starts.
Hope you are both having a great summer!
Thanks,
[redacted]

Sure, I’ll get right on that.

And the list of e-mail goes on. All in all, I took the liberty of replying to the most confused groups of people to tell them I’m not the person that they are looking for. I didn’t get many responses, presumably because the senders are too embarassed to acknowledge they’ve been furiously e-mailing the wrong person for months. In the case of the church, they thanked me for telling them, and continue to cheerfully send me a copy of their monthly newsletter. Oh well.